How to Go Postal Without Killing Anybody

With stagnation amongst the ranks of America's low tier airlines, also known as "the regionals", comes a stewing crowd of pilots. These pilots who once had ambitions of landing a quick captaincy and moving onward to a career at their choice of larger, established airlines are learning that their dreams are far from reality. Before the emergence of contract regional carriers, airline pilots would normally work one probationary year at their airline of choice. During this year they were paid a pittance and had very few protections from termination-happy bosses. However, upon completion of this first year, pay rose and many pressures were relieved.

These days, life for regional airline pilots is a never ending probationary period. Even several years into the job, their daily grind and poor lifestyle change only slightly for the better. Pay is lousy and all but a few of these contract companies provide a good, nonthreatening place to fly. Pilots continue to toil at these establishments due to the high hiring requirements of the larger respected carriers. They must accumulate precious time as jet captains to advance to airlines that the public recognizes as Delta, US Airways, or United; not Trans States, Pinnacle, or ExpressJet. Very little amount of hiring and attrition at the large mainline carriers means that it will take much longer before a new aspiring pilot can make it to his desired company for employment. For some, it will take a decade or more.

SJSingDownLike their underlings, not all has gone well at the large air carriers. Layoffs, pay cuts, slashed benefits, and worsening working conditions have hit several "mainline" pilots. Even as airlines return to profitability, there has been little improvement from this last decade of cost cutting measures. Companies reluctant to return anything back to their pilots has created an us vs. them environment. Sacrifices from the rank and file have provided an absurd reward system for top airline management. Airline executives have enjoyed salary and bonus increases while their employees, along with most of the country, struggle to stay atop of finances in the current economy. Management has built a wall between themselves and their employess. Any open doors are simply setup for their planned ambushes. This divide has created of pool of disenfranchised people whom may "snap" at any time. How long will the quality of life for pilots continue to decline creating more resentment and anger? Only time will tell.

While several pilots, left for years with expired work contracts, have become downtrodden in a sense of hopelessness, one group provides a beacon of hope and encouragement. The Team at shares its favorite ways of sticking it to the man in its guide: How to Go Postal Without Killing Anybody. Whether a lowly regional jet First Officer or a disgruntled United 747 Captain, you can uplift your day through the methods below.



Burn baby! Burn! That's right! This is a most obvious and fun way to charge your company for your services. It seems most management numb nuts have forgotten that fuel costs money. The people controlling the flow of this money is none other than pilots. Follow these rules:

1. Burn rubber! Fly at high speeds, especially with a tailwind. High mach numbers usually equates to more fuel burned. Try your best to ignore management pleas to fly at more "economical" speeds. Most standard operating procedures use words such as "preferred", "desired", or "should" when enforcing speed schedules. Just like they destroy your contract with these, destroy their fuel!

2. Never single engine taxi. This practice is obnoxious. Always start them all up. Especially you priveleged few flying with four engines. Just remember that you might have to crawl out of the FO's window to avoid getting junior assigned when you get to base. Burned jet fuel never smelled so good!

APUburn3. Always run the APU. Many airplanes have pushed for minimum use of the Auxilliary Power Unit in favor of the non-fuel wasting GPU; Ground Power Unit. Make any excuse possible to run it, such as the cabin was too hot, even with external air conditioning. Remember, history shows you care about the passenger, not your company. Keep them cool or warm and get them to their destinations pronto!

So what will burning all this fuel get you? Some extra time to buy that bambo burrito and RC cola at your next destination. That and the satisfaction of seeing management look frustratingly where the money went.SJSvictory

There are pilots that will be concerned about the environmental issues of burning so much excess fuel. Those concerns may be legitimate, but management's talk about saving the environment as a part of its corporate responsibility is bogus.PriceofSJS That is why we have laws regarding their pollution of our planet. If they didn't have to follow the rules, they wouldn't do anything by their own environmental ambitions. They don't want you burning their gas because of the cost. And cost them it does!

Just think how much they could "save" if pilots saved fuel. Instead of burning thousands of gallons extra, they could save that much against planned fuel allotments. In that way they would save money and the environment. However they will have to pay a fair wage. As many pilots display on their bags; FUPM!

Burning as much fuel as humanly possible is just part of postal fun. Another fun way to indulge yourself is to raid the airplane. Take blankets and other first class amenities such as fine china and silverware. Taking seatbelts is good too as it does make your company upset. However, for your own enjoyment pay special attention to the liquor cart.SJSminis Take as much as your bag can hold. We're not sure if this costs the airlines much, but consider it a perk of the job and keep your liquor minis bar full. Extra kudos if you walk away with the entire galley cart.

SJSbluejuiceGetting drunk is a pilot's favorite daily pastime, but don't think that you'll be anything special with your liquor jacking abilities. The SJS Team would like to pay a little homage to current queen of airline workers gone postal; Steven Slater. Ms. Slater's act of employee outrage was so admirable that we might as well call him Sir Slater. If you are ready to quit the industry, as several pilots claim on aviation web boards, take a hint from Slater.Slateronfire Galantly bring your airplane to a stop on an active taxiway. Pull the fire handles, blow the bottles, disconnect the controls, then pull out a CRT and launch it out your window. In Slater fashion head for the liquor, guzzle a whiskey, and open an escape slide.Slaterjump Take a leap and hit the tarmac. Run towards your escape route while stripping off your clothes. Leave your hat on if you like. After your streaking session hopefully you can make it home for a quick roll in the hay as you will probably be taken in by the authorities. Don't worry about putting your pants on just yet as you should get a call regarding a book deal of some sort. You may end up with your very own reality show. This will help pay for that bail bond. And if it doesn't work out for you monetarily, at least you'll always be known as "That Guy".


Sully'sHangoverRemember another good way to mow down corporate synergy? This is the beloved sick call. You should call in sick regularly. Whether going through 18,000' with STDs or just out having a good time, this might actually help your company. Even though you are scheduled at 98 flight hours this month, most airlines are severely overstaffed with pilots. Crew scheduling will be so relieved that you are calling in sick. Upper management will be saved from having to lay off any more people. So give yourself and your company a break and call in now!

If you are leaning towards quitting or getting fired you might consider aircraft damage as your adieu to airline life. There are several options we find gratifying. One is the airplane key. Just as you would take a key to your boss's mercedes, start from the back and scrape the paint from the tail to the nose. That's what we call a thorough preflight. Sticking with the auto as an airplane theme, start taking parts like you would steal a car radio. Most glass cockpits have really expensive Hi-Fi equipment. You'll be the only guy in town hocking CRTs, ELTs, O2 masks, and cockpit yokes. If you don't have any room in your overnight bag for liberating company equipment try the zenith of equipment destruction; the engine burn. This move is getting more difficult to perform as aircraft engines are moving towards computer controlled starts and monitoring. SJSengineburnDo whatever it takes to get a hot start. Make that a really hot start. During the engine starting cycle cut air just after the ignition has turned on and fuel has started flowing. You might have to cut your air source out completely. Try turning off the APU or keep cranking when external air has insufficient pressure. Then let the barbeque begin. Yes. You're fired, but someone at world headquarters will be explaining how their $20,000 guy just cooked $1,000,000 plus. That's bang for your buck!


PostalPileSometimes a pilot may find himself looking like this before he reports for duty. This is typically called "the last straw". We tend to avoid people in this state. PostalAgentThe SJS Team could never condone, yet could not stop, a pilot from going postal in the truest form. That is for the individual to decide. And from the way many airlines treat their employees, we're surprised it doesn't happen...and often. The Team at would just like to ask that if you are going to harness your inner gate agent and go to work or your company's headquarters under Operation Airline Storm; write the host at so we can be sure our whole team has called in sick that day. And don't worry, while we are partying we will drink one for you!

Just like every pilot flies a certain way, you can develop you own ways of going postal. While airlines drag their feet in improving your quality of life as a pilot, we charge you to use your postal style to bring them to the table, or their knees. Now make haste! And as always, we appreciate your feedback.





How to Go Postal Without Killing Anybody Testimonials!


Eagle Pilot -- "After eight years of not upgrading I decided to follow some of the tips at I never knew a 145 could burn so much gas."

Pinnacle Pilot -- "We have a long, proud tradition of raiding liquor from the plane, but I took it to a whole new level. Now I'm the life of the party at the shelter!"

United Pilot -- "I've just started calling in sick once a month. I know I'm saving more pilots from layoffs. We're so underworked."

JetBlue Pilot -- "Yeah, Slater definitely gave 'On Fire' a whole different meaning"

***** Pilot -- "I got really drunk off the liquor that I plundered from the airplane. Then I went to my sim and passed."

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