Bbbbbrrrrring!...Bbbbbbaaaabbrring! Slide off. It is time to get up. Van time is in less than an hour. Who is this chick next to me? Is this my room? Oh yeah, there's my uniform. Where's this girl's clothes? Sweet. I got the hot one this time. So glad I didn't invite that senior purser up like I did last trip. My head hurts. It must have been a rough night. There's a little left in in this Corona bottle. That's better. Wait. I'm still buzzing a bit. "I'll see you down at the van Captain." Nod. Looks like she found her clothes. Time to hit my stash of wakey powder. Sniff. Perfect. Another great day to fly. I love my job.

Is this a scene that only a Hollywood writer could conjure up? Or is this just the everyday story of airline pilots' lives?

The pilots at the controls of our modern jetliners say flying is in their blood. While this is attributed to Shiny Jet Syndrome, SJS, it isn't the only thing flowing through their veins. Second to ascending towards the heavens in a shiny jet are the elements that put "airline" in airline pilot. Airline pilots' second love is drugs and alcohol. Until recent interference from company and government regulation, pilots indulged in every vice available. Passing out in one city and waking up in another was commonplace. Pilots would fly multiple days and not even realize they had gone to work. An old timer says "Those were the days! Now these metrosexual pilot pansies can't even handle a wine cooler!" While an accurate statement, pilots flying today are making demands to bring back the glory days of aviation; the booze included.

The past summer saw pilots hit the bottle hard. A resurgence of airport lounges was cited for higher pilot attendance. However it may have been the evolving pilot culture. When it comes to this phenomenon Southwest Airlines always leads the way. "It's easy as 1-2-3!" exclaims a Southwest pilot. "I don't discriminate when it comes to boozing. Grannies, gays, and grandes are one thing, but i drink white AND black russians. Sometimes at the same time!" This enthusiastic pilot presents the wants of pilots at other air carriers. "Those lucky bastards still abide by the 8 hour rule. My company requires a half day bottle to throttle. That means you have to open your last fifth 12 hours prior to reporting to duty. And you better make sure to get through it before you start!"

Although there are few to no effects of this activity, jealous airline managers have done what they can to restrict fun amongst their pilots. Fortunately there have been a few exceptions. A former airline CEO, going by Glenn for anonymity, explains "I've had my fair share of this play too. I mean I was able to get a merger through by acting more tipsy than I was. My friend Jeff thought he seduced me, but I can assure you it was the other way around!" Glenn continues, "If you really think about it, how many accidents have alcohol or drugs been a factor? I sure can't think of any. So isn't it logical to get rid of all that drug testing and save everyone some time and money?" Glenn had brought up a good point. He didn't want to pay his employees and he sure didn't want to pay a high school dropout to drug test his pilots.

Some pilots no longer advocate toasting their glasses before and after every flight. Some have even written books about it. One author says "I know I may have over did it. I just thought I could black out while I accrued enough seniority to have a good QOL. Too bad I was still at the bottom of the list when I sobered up. Don't do what I did."

Not every pilot has to write a book about their mistakes. Many pilots find pictures or videos of themselves on the internet after embarassing post flying activity such as rolling around half naked while munching on a fast food burger. They are susceptible to becoming the butt of pilot jokes if they don't watch themselves. Sometimes even the most trusted crew members make a pilot's night on the town, or on the floor, part of their social network. If a pilot's nightly ritual wears them out, they must remeber to have their alarm clock set as well as remembering that coworkers armed with sharpie markers can be a funny thing.

What is the next step in pilot debauchery? As attitudes change throughout the country, pilots have rallied for the legalization of marijuana. Pilots For Pot, the union representing high aviators, is charged with getting the smoking activity certified by the government. "Obtaining FAA approval is quite painstaking," says a union spokesman. "You would think they were the ones stoned at the pace they move. Pilots might be baked most of the time, but our planes still move quickly."

Pilots For Pot, P4P in stonerspeak, has staged numerous informational pickets. Its members have received massive public support. An initiative is currently up for vote which would allow pilots to bring up to 3 ounces of marijauna through TSA checkpoints. "I'm just tired of hiding my stash," retorts a pilot. "Luckily the screeners don't check where I put it, but they already have the blue rubber gloves. It's only a matter of time before I experience a REAL hassle."

One suggestion for getting pot to pilots, is to place dispensaries at major airports. "This is a great idea!" exclaims an advocate. "I can just get another baggieful when I fly through our hubs. No more winking at the front desk clerk when I get to my hotel!" There is no doubt that safety would be enhanced through the use of dispensaries by keeping pilots from knocking on their motel neighbors' doors. Traditionally a good source for drugs and prostitutes, other motel occupants can be also be dangerous. "My company always puts me on overnights where I can score a good time on property, but why worry about it," points out a pilot. "Most of the dealers on my stays don't even offer a crew discount."

The aviation community believes that pot is a gateway drug. "I was in St. Louis and let me tell you, the stuff is everywhere!" explains P4P member. "They had all sorts of weed. Different strengths. Different flavors. On top of that, they had lots of ecstasy and coke! I can't wait to go back!" Other, harder drugs are becoming more prevalent among pilots. An FAA administrator details, "Maybe marijuana isn't such a bad thing. And ecstasy can keep pilots awake on long hauls. The growing cocaine use needs to stop though. We don't want pilots running out their windows at 36,000 feet! Not only that, there is a criminal element that goes along with it. We had a case where a copilot went into his Captain's bag, took his coke, and snorted it all in one flight. The Captain probably shouldn't have been sleeping, but it's still stealing!"

The drug culture spreading through the pilot ranks has inspired several stories in literature and film. Fans are living these as their reality. "After reading Sully's book, I would do anything to be a pilot. I've been so high on the ground, I might as well take myself to the skies." The admirer continues "I loved his new movie as well. I don't see how he could do all that coke without nose bleeds. It must be all that professional training and experience. I guess I'm just an RJ guy when it comes to drugs and alcohol."

Captain Sully may have been the original exhibitor of pilot indulgence. Now there are many like him. Sully's antagonistic friend Toilet Duck, has become an example of what the pilot lifestyle can lead to. The Duck was recently accused of being a mule by an enthusiastic gate agent. A modern screening machine aided in the discovery of a hidden stash of weed. Although accused of smuggling several leaves of pot, no feathers were ruffled. Due to an improper use of gloves by the TSA agent, Toilet Duck had to be released from the airport screening authorities.

Contrary to The Duck, other pilots do not try to hide their daily rituals. They are sometimes seen flying the skies without a care to anybody else's judgement. "Hey man! Am I flying ok?" asks one free spirited aviator. "I think we're parked man." responds his copilot. "Shit man. Parking checklist."

Verbal transactions like this are standard. Revered 747 pilot Captain Mack of NWA, abides by his own highness when addressing his passengers. "In a hot second, I'll be hittin' them switches and gettin' this bitch pumpin' and jumpin'." Nervous flyers are put at ease with his conclusion, "So screw your shit on tight and enjoy the flight!"

Leaders of the airline pilot community will continue to promote the free use of herb, powder, and sauce. Pilots can only hope that their peers will use their drugs of choice peacefully. When the deregulation of pilot drugs came about in 1978, pilots hoarded their powder caches resulting in an airline crime wave. Unless a pilot was employed by a major airline, he would not be able to score any bud or coke. This led to today's situation of disparity between the have and the have-nots. Regional jet pilots have to do whatever they can to scrounge for the Majors' scraps. They often take what is not theirs. This is what is referred to as "stealing the flying". This crime has increased, especially over the last decade. It has contributed in the rise of animosities between the two classes of aerial society. It is rumored that Captain Sully's next movie revolves around this very subject. The film may show the life of a flying kingpin in control of all pilot fun. Or perhaps the life of a coke fiend that doesn't like to share. Captain Sully is normally engaged in the East vs. West struggle over guns, cocaine, and planes. Perhaps he can break away from his stereotypical role as the ruthless East pilot. Perhaps not.

If only there could be a way for the government, management, and pilots, come to a resolution that tuk les than siix yeers two cumpleat then evry wun cs'd

dl be l; dg g./lllll lllllllllllll

Whoa. What happened? What's all this typing on my computer? Pilots For Pot? What's this video? Damn. That's fucked up. My head hurts. One mini liquor left. That's better. Who's this chick in my bed? Looks like a good day for flying. Shit! It's van time!